GAGE part 2.

It was Valentines Day 2012. Gage was scheduled to get his 3 month scan to make sure he was in the clear and his tumor had not returned. Although, we were all a little bit nervous, we were mostly confident that this visit would be good news. I was at Old Navy looking for little Valentine gifts for my kids for our annual candlelight dinner that night when I got the call. It was Gretchen. I answered and what I heard on the other end stopped me in my tracks. Through a voice I could barely understand bc she was crying so hard the words "Gage's brain tumor is back and its growing toward the brain stem. They have to go back in for surgery." I was once again at a loss for words. That all too familiar helpless feeling hit me again like a ton of bricks. All I could say was "I'm so so sorry." Needless to say, our Valentine festivities were sullen. We were quiet with our minds racing of what may be this time. Questions like 'what does this mean? will it be cancerous this time? will Gage be okay? What if...." the unthinkable.

A few weeks passed and we all tried to go about "normal" life with pits in our stomach waiting for surgery day. A few days before Gage's surgery would take, my boys tutor, named Jamie Cheney, was at our house. I was telling her the story and expressing my thoughts on how helpless I felt. I didn't know what to do. Jamie started to tell me about a 5k she had done for her neighbor that needed help with medical bills.. And a LIGHT went off in my mind, a feeling came over me, YES! I CAN DO THAT!! I CAN HELP RAISE MONEY! Suddenly, I didn't feel so helpless, and THAT gave me a purpose! I know how to do a 5k! I have run them before! It won't be that hard!! What could really go into it! We just plan and people will come! I wish I could take credit for such a genius idea, but it wasn't mine. However, I thank God for Jamie every day for planting that seed.  I got on the phone that night and told Gretchen "I'm going to do a 5k for you!! Maybe we can make some money to help with the growing medical bills, it won't be much, but anything helps right?!!" Through tears, all she could say was "thank you." Then I called Cameron, he said "Let's do a Bowl-A-Thon also! We can use the facility for free and all proceeds can go to Gage!" Then I called Gretchen's friend Brooke Amidei..she excitedly was on board and said "I will be in charge of the Silent Auction and help get sponsors!" ...this is where I got a little nervous...
So within a 48 hour time period, our little 5k had turned into something much bigger than I could have dreamed.
We quickly put together a Facebook page, created a blog, got our run advertised on 'Utahrunners.com and braced ourselves for a long day of surgery.
 
SURGERY DAY:
Gretchen, Troy, Gage and I arrived at Primary Children's Medical Center at 6:15 a.m. on February 29, 2012.  Gage was in pretty good spirits, Gretchen and Troy were trying to be so brave for him. We waited in waiting room after waiting room as the Doctors and surgeons got prepared for what would end up being a grueling 12 hour surgery. This time was different. We knew what to expect PERSAY...but it was brain surgery. Gage was only 4 years old. We were still so afraid. I tried to stay in the background and let those three have their time together. I knew what was in both of their minds..I knew the unthinkable was being thought..and I knew that the unthinkable could be a reality. The thought was unbearable. We forced ourselves to go on faith. To be positive and try to be strong. We smiled at Gage, reassured him and let him know that "every little thing was going to be alright."
Then the time came for Gage to be taken in. I watched and took photos of Gretchen and Troy saying 'goodbye' to their brave little superhero. "Goodbye sweet angel, we will be here waiting for you when you wake up..we love you, be brave buddy!"

Shortly thereafter, mom and dad arrived, John and Diane arrived, {Troy's parents} then Zach, Cameron, Ryan, Trevor and of course Matt Alba.. Who is their friend that is always first on the scene. We waited..tried to keep ourselves busy. The nurse in the Operating room would call every hour with an update, as we received updates, we would update the cyber world. And within hours, we had hundreds of followers praying for our little Gage, hitting "refresh" on their computers and waiting for any kind of news. A 4 year old beautiful boy had already won over the hearts of so many.
We immediately felt the love, the prayers, the thoughts, the support. We cried at each new comment and every new "like." We were shocked at how many people were caring about our Gage.

After 8 hours Doctor Walker called and said "I'm going to close him up, take him in for an MRI and depending on what I see, we will either go back in or be done." Well, the tumor was still there. He had to go back in. This was Gage's 2nd MRI for the day thus far. We paced the hallways, tried to laugh, had running races down the hallways of the hospital, tried to keep our minds busy. Hours passed. We were impatiently being patient. At this point, it was me, Gretch, Troy, John, Diane, and mom and dad that were there.
There was a big snowstorm happening outside. It seemed fitting.
Then Dr. Walker called again..same thing.."I'm closing him up and taking him in for another MRI. If the tumor is gone, we will be done..if it's not, we will go back in." It was now around 5:30 p.m. We waited. And we waited some more. Finally after about an hour and half, Gretchen received the call...we stood around her as she fell into tears and exclaimed "IT'S GONE???!! IT'S GONE!!!" Tears of joy were shed, relief felt was an understatement. We embraced and cried and cried some more. I took photos for our loved ones so that they could share in this joy with us. We walked down the hallway to the ICU and waited for our Gage. It was here that I finally, personally fell apart. I couldn't stop crying. I could not get a grip. The anxiety, the fear, the emotion, the exhaustion, the 'trying to be strong for them' all came undone for me. And I prayed to Heavenly Father in my mind and Thanked him over and over again for giving us this miracle.

Part 3 "Our events"

Erin

I've been thinking about Erin.

I have a board on pinterest dedicated only to Erin. I see things that make me think of her and I have to pin them to my "Erin board."

Erin is the girl that will have your back no matter what, but when you fall down in front of a crowd and completely humiliate yourself, she is the first to point her finger at you while laughing uncontrollably. She would never throw you under the bus, but she would laugh at you for being put there.

So when I saw this pin, I naturally thought first of Erin.

Erin is quiet. She is peaceful. She is calm. And with that you would think she was little Miss. Innocent. But you see, that's not the case.. Erin isn't what I would call a demon..demon's are evil. Erin is not evil in the slightest. But she does have a monster in her. It's a smiley monster, but still a monster nonetheless. And if she were a monster instead of a human, she would look a little like this..
who me???...never...evil giggle sets in..
Then there are just those pins that remind me of her. That make no sense to anyone else. But she gets it.


Erin is probably the slowest person in the world. When you are supposed to be somewhere at noon. Erin thinks that means she should just leave her house at noon. She doesn't understand what the hurry is?? Why is everyone in such a hurry to hurry up and get somewhere and hurry up and get it going? Why hurry life? Which is admirable..in a way..unless you are the one waiting..again..for Erin..
Erin has many fears in life. One of them being birds. She affectionately refers to them as 'rats with wings.' She is scared to death of them. And they know it..they love to taunt her. Tease her. They have it out for her. And it is....hilarious. One time while Erin was at Wheeler farm the ducks and geese conspired against her. They all ganged up on her and ran her down. She ran in circles trying to get rid of them but they were not about to let her out of their sight. They chased her 8 month pregnant belly with a toddler in one arm and a picnic bag in the other all the way to her car while she laugh/cried/screaming the whole way there.......yes. It is hysterical. I will give you a moment to visualize...
Erin also hates cats. She thinks they are evil. I love cats and have always had one up until about a year ago. But my cats have always known Erin was afraid. And like the birds, they like to taunt her. They like to show her this face. {see below} Now a cat lover would know that when a cat does this face, they're probably just showing off. Or pretending they're tough. Or wanting to play. But Erin thought this meant they wanted to eat her....I liked to make her think that was true.
Erin and I have had many sleepovers throughout the years. Either at hotel rooms on girls nights, or on vacations, or just for fun if our husbands are gone. One night there was a shadow in my window that Erin thought looked like an evil praying mantis. Anyway, we got ourselves so freaked out, we pulled the covers over our heads and giggled like little school girls with nervous tummies.. And the more we talked about it, the more we were convinced that this praying mantis was a murderer. This is just one occasion where I have been with Erin and she has convinced me that someone is out to kill us. However, we are always laughing so hard with our nervous thoughts that even if the praying mantis did come alive, and come at us with a sharp knife, He would probably stop and tilt his head in a confused motion at the sight of us jumping up and down on the bed laughing and screaming with tears in our eyes and pee running down Erin's leg.

Erin is a Harry Potter nerd. She knows she's a nerd. She likes to be a nerd. She dresses up for the Harry Potter premiers and paints a lightening bolt on her forehead. She looks totally legit. Anyone would think she was straight out of Hogwarts..

She loves to read. The first time I went on vacation with Erin, we went to Lake Powell. She brought a book with her. We never saw her.

So as you can see, Erin is extremely childlike. A free spirit if you will. There isn't many people that bring out your inner 13 year old when you are with them. I love this about her. When I saw this picture of the girl dancing in the rain, of course I thought of Erin. She loves to celebrate, enjoy, be a part of, embrace, love, encircle, and hold tight all that is good and fun and smart and joyful.

On a more serious note, one time in church the teacher asked us to put on one side of a piece of paper times or people who have shown us acts of service. To write down when someone has been kind to you or shown you charity. On the other side of the paper we were to write when we had shown others service or charity. As I sat there thinking about this..who had done acts of service for me,..Erin's name came to my mind time and time again. She has been there over and over and over for me. So of course this last sign Erin, is what I say to you.

Balance.

I was thinking about Scott today.

He is so nice. He couldn't hurt a fly.

He is mellow. So much so that sometimes I wonder if he is alive.

He is simple. He doesn't need much. I appreciate that.

He is quiet. In his head a lot with his thoughts.

He is peaceful. He doesn't like chaos, a lot of people, busy conversation. He likes things quiet.

He is childlike. Almost innocent. And sometimes naive.

He is thoughtful. He is aware of me. He is aware of our kids.

He is generous. He will give anyone whatever he has. It's "just money" It's "just stuff."

He is grateful. He appreciates what he has.

He loves nature. He appreciates Beauty. He notices the miracle of a sunset or a snowstorm.

He is playful. He will take any chance he can to go play with the kids. He likes things like Disneyland, lagoon, skate parks, bike rides, hikes, ice cream, candy, snowcones, he IS one of the kids. I'm grateful for this. {most of the time} :)

I know what you're thinking..Two things..

1. Wow, why is Lysa being so nice?

2. So why did he marry Lysa?

You see, I needed his mellow. And he needed my fire. Because life is all about balance.

something

There's something about this look...

And then there's something about THIS look..

mmmmm hmmm. oh yeah..oooo baby.

2011

A lot can be said for 2011. When big things happen, hard things, its difficult to look back and remember the good times. We tend to focus on the bad. Maybe bc the bad things seem to cause such an impact they become harder to forget. The good things tend to be taken for granted.

CooCoo had her share of health problems this past year. At one point we even wondered if we were going to have to put her in a home. I got a taste of what that is like to care for a parent who can no longer care for themselves. My conclusion was, I'm not ready. She is too young and my children are too young. I'm not ready for that time in life. Thankfully we have been able to find solutions to her health problems and she is almost back to our same old CooCoo bird.

Grandpa went through radiation for some cancer this past year. And although that could have been much scarier, again we are so grateful that he is now cancer free and back to his same old self.

Gage had a brain tumor. I have nothing more to say about that except for we are grateful every single day for the outcome that we have been blessed with.

There have been financial struggles, health struggles, and normal everyday stress. Life has been happening.

On the flipside, we have welcomed two new lives into our family this year. Baby Pars and Baby Gracie. Both births came with a clean bill of health for mom and baby.

We have celebrated birthdays, holidays, played sports, gone on a vacation, had family stay with us, Cameron ran his first half marathon, we have been blessed with work/jobs, made new friends, become closer to old friends, we have partied, laughed, cried, hugged, prayed, and through it all, relied on each other. We have learned important life lessons, strengthened each other, learned a little more about what its like to be charitable, have empathy, reached new heights of self awareness, physical strength, mental strength, and love.

So through it all, I can only look back with one word in mind..Gratitude.

Gage

Friday night I received a phone call from my mom. She was so hysterical, "Lysa, Gage has a brain tumor." The words hit me like a bolt of lightning. I hung up and tried to call my sister. My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't dial the number. I kept saying to myself "calm down Lysa..your sister needs you." See the night before was Thanksgiving. We were all at my moms and I knew that Gage hadn't been feeling well. I looked over at him, rubbed the back of his head just to say "I love you buddy" when a thought came to me. It was more like a paragraph really, but it was clear. It said to me "Gage has a brain tumor, your sister needs you, she has been prepared for this." After the thought, I quickly pushed it aside! How could I think such a horrible thing? So I ignored it. Forgot about it. Now back to the dialing...I finally got through. She didn't answer. I started to pace my house. I had all of Scott's family over. We were getting ready to leave to the Polar Express. I looked at Kathryn who has a gift of keeping me calm. She stared at me right in the eyes and said something to me. I don't recall what it was but her look made me focus. Then my phone rang. It was my sister. I went outside to have privacy. I didn't want to scare my kids. She was hysterical. I was at a loss of what to say to her. I just kept thinking "be strong Lysa, she needs you." so I kept trying to reassure her. She repeated over and over clearly in shock "My special little boy has a brain tumor, my baby boy has a brain tumor." I could hear Troy in the background wailing. "Why??" "Why??" I hung up the phone. Ran inside. Kathryn followed me up to my room where I was trying to find my shoes but I just kept walking in circles. She said to me "Lysa, I have everything under control here, your kids are fine, Go be with your sister." I don't remember if I responded. I got in my car and happened to run into Cam and Erin at the light. I was so grateful bc I just stayed behind them. Keeping my eye on their van. I knew all I needed to do was watch the van and I would arrive there.

When I finally arrived in the room where Gage, Gretchen and Troy were I could see that Gage had no idea what was happening. He was happy as can be. Loving all the attention. Gretchen mouthed the words to me "he doesn't know anything." So I smiled and talked to Gage asking him all about his cool IV and his awesome hospital visit. Soon Troy's dad John walked in the room. Troys dad has been fighting cancer since July. When Troy saw him he got teary eyed. I looked at Gretchen and she mouthed "Get Troy out of here." She didn't want Gage to see anyone upset. I took Troy across the hall where we embraced and both cried hysterically. About a minute later Erin came in the room. The three of us held on to each other. Trying to comfort Troy and cried. Then Troy's brother Trevor came in. Then his brother Ryan. Then Zach and Dasa..One after another people poured into the hospital to support them and love them.

At this point, Cameron, Zach, my dad, Trevor, Ryan, and John all went into the room where Gage was and gave him a blessing while Troy held him on his lap and I held my sister. It was an amazing blessing. A calling on of God to heal this little boy. To give him a long healthy life. A blessing of comfort, of strength, of peace. It was powerful and beautiful.
Only 4 were technically allowed in the room at a time so we had to clear out into the waiting room and wait. Wait for the surgeon to come and give us more info. Many tears were being shed. Many hugs, but mostly just feelings of shock. My heart was breaking for my sister and Troy. I was trying so hard to imagine how they felt. I could only "imagine" though. And that was frustrating to me. I wanted to know so that I knew how to help. I hated feeling so helpless. I hated not knowing what to say. It was all so surreal. I know I made phone calls. I know I texted people. I know I spoke using words but I don't remember anything I said. I felt like I just needed to wake up. And if I felt that way..how horrible must Gretchen and Troy feel..Their special little 3 year old angel had a brain tumor.

Soon Matt Alba, Gretchen and Troy's friend, came into the waiting room. He had been in the room when the surgeon came in. The news was good. That his tumor was located in the lower left part of the brain. That as far as brain tumors go, that was the place to have one. That she didn't know if it was cancerous but that we are not going to think about that yet. That it is hopeful. Best case scenario, we will have surgery in the morning, remove the tumor, it will be benign and Gage will be back home in a week. We felt a light of relief.

That night was a sleepless one. I kept repeating in my mind over and over again "Gage has a brain tumor." It was a frightening thought and in the dark quiet night, it seemed to be screaming at me. So at 6:00 am I finally just got up and went back to the hospital. So glad that I did bc when I arrived the surgeons were in the room explaining things to Troy and Gretch who were alone there. I only heard the end of the conversation when the Dr. asked if they had any questions..Gretchen said "only one..do you have any children??" He replied "yes, I have 5 at home." and she said through tears "please take care of him like your own." We all cried. They came in 25 minutes later ready to take him to surgery. I was able to watch and observe Gretchen and Troy as they said goodbye to their little guy and fill him with many hugs and kisses. Repeating over and over to him how much they loved him. And then he was gone. They fell apart once again holding on to each other in disbelief and fear.

The day went by slowly. The nurse in the O.R. kept them updated on their cell phones every hour and a half . Each update brought more tears. Even if they were positive. Several hours later he was out of surgery with the update that things went well. They were to be aware that he might have some issues with his speech and that he would be extremely irritable. More than anything they had ever seen bc of the place in his brain they had to touch. That both are a common side affect. That they could last anywhere from two days to two months. So Gretchen was scared. Relieved but afraid of what she might have to face. We were all grateful that she has taught Gage Sign language so he could communicate with her. Hours and Hours went by. They ran tests while he slept and became concerned that he wasn't having any movement in his left arm. They needed to go back in to do a C-scan and check for blood clots and/or fluid in his brain. That if those things were present they would have to go back in and drain them. They were becoming concerned that he wouldn't wake up. When they went in for the C-scan he woke a little bit. MIRACLE. and the Dr.s said to him "Gage, you did such a good job with your scan!" To which he replied "NO I DIDN'T DO A GOOD SCAN!" So angry he was..but completely speaking clearly. MIRACLE. again. Then back in the room where he was fast asleep again for hours..He woke up a second time and with his left arm, scratched his head and said hi to his mom and dad. MIRACLE. again. And back to sleep he went.

Today he had another MRI to see if they got all of the tumor. They got all but a sliver and the reason they left that is bc it was so close to the brain stem, it was dangerous to remove. The Surgeon said they are calling it 99.9% gone bc it is such a small piece. The surgeon was very pleased. Said that she thinks it was benign bc of the way it looked but we will confirm that on Wednesday.

About an hour later Gage woke up and said "dad, can I have my slushy now?" See before the surgery, Troy had promised Gage a big slushy when he woke up. He remembered.

Then he woke up again and ate some crackers, drank some gatorade and fell back to sleep after interacting with his mom and dad in a totally calm manner.

We will watch him recover. We will continue to pray. Both for his health but also with so much gratitude.

We don't know for sure, but we think so far that we are getting that "best case scenario" and that our little Gagey will be back home partying with all of his toys and celebrating life very soon. As we all watch him and celebrate with gratitude in our hearts, HIS life.

A few more of my favorite things

A few MORE of my favorite things.

1. My brother in law is a Dentist in Arizona. And with that comes some pretty good perks. :) IE: Bleach for really cheap, prescription mouth wash, insider info. on which toothpaste is best etc etc..I know you don't think that might sound that great, but I'm a teeth person. I care about my teeth and the looks of others teeth. MY husband has horrible teeth. It makes me insane. I think its one of my trials in this life. To endure his teeth. But my sis in law send me a tongue scrapper in the mail one day. One for me, One for Scott. And it has become one of my favorite things! I won't sicken you out with the gruesome details of what this scrapper can achieve, but it is AMAZING! It leaves you with a Glorious Clean Mouth! I truly feel like the girl in the orbit gum commercial that gets rid of her dirty mouth with a sparkle ding at the end?? You know the one. It's fabulous. So if you have a chance to get your hands on one, I suggest you do it. Make sure its a metal one. Not some cheap plastic thing from the grocery store, it won't do the same job.
Oh and if you're wondering which toothpaste is best...its Colgate Total. Why? Bc it has a patented ingredient that none of the others have..and No, I don't know what it is. But Its all I needed to hear to become a believer!

2. And since I am the maid..I have a few items that I cannot live without. First, My Dyson animal vacuum cleaner. It is Incredible! I have a big stinky, furry, black ding dong that lives with me. I'm talking about my doggy. My Dyson not only has an amazing, easy to use attachment that takes care of all the corners, baseboards, & couch cushions, but it does it with gusto! It does it with pride. It has the power of a shopvac but its an upright. So glad someone finally thought of this. It is bag less..another perk. They send me free belts in the mail anytime I break mine..another perk, Great customer service. Which we all know is rare these days. So If you can invest in this pretty expensive worth every penny vacuum miracle, I suggest you do.
And Second..My steamer..Another genius item. All you do is plug it in, poor some water in it, wait for it to heat up and voila'! You have a cleaning machine that will outclean any mop any day of the week. It has a pad on the bottom of it that when you are finished, you throw it in the wash and reuse it for next time! Isn't that environmentally fab?? Those hippies would be so proud of me.

3. Chocolate covered Almonds from Costco..I need not say anything more about that.